families. non fragmented, non individualised, *whole* families.
(jennyanydots, March 24, 2008, 11:59 pm)
mountain snow tiger asked: "Do you think the difficulties and heartache are being caused by the adoption system itself or by the particular people implementing it in your case or a bit of both?"
the simple answer is 'both.' but it gets a bit more complex than that, and when it comes down to it, it ends up being an intrinsic problem with the system that created those individuals.
There have been a few individuals who have made mistakes, been insensitive, unsupportive and have said and done things that have been downright damaging. There have been a few individuals who have been incapable of understanding our needs as a family in order to thrive and from most a clear lack of empathy with myself as a new mother suffering from P.A.D.S and a lack of experience with women having the same struggle. There have been individuals who made bad choices and forced bad decisions and who didn't listen to what we felt, thought and believed was in the best interest for our daughter and our family.
And maybe the biggest mistake of all was made by ourselves, in trusting all of those individuals more than we trusted ourselves from the start.
Those were all individuals and their own mistakes and faults. We have forgiven some, i would be lying if I were to say we have yet been able to forgive all.
However, we firmly believe that said individuals would not have made those mistakes if the system itself had the capacity to properly support a family in order to hold it together rather than institutionalising social workers into behaviours that in effect tear it apart.
"Unfortunately there are some professionals whose effect on a normal healthy family is so destructive that I would advise having as little as possible to do with them. . .
". . . Social Services are there to help, yes, but in specific circumstances, notably when the family has failed. This is neccessary, even noble: if a child is being beaten by a drunken stepfather, abused by a lecherous lodger or neglected by a mentally ill mother, of course society must intervene. . . But think about it. You know if your child is being beaten, starved or tortured. If she were, you wouldn't be wasting time reading this book. But other people do not know for sure, and if their remit is to protect children it is their duty to assume the worst. So if there is even a chance that any abuse is going on, social services have to step in and pull the family apart in order to rescue the child. Of course they do." --- Anne Atkins Child Rearing for Fun
What I'm saying is that the same system that is there to protect the needs of a child by removing her from parents who can not care for her can in very little way meet the needs of a new family that is trying to bond together. if all of your senses are primed to look for potential problems, then you are not going to be focussed on finding sollutions. if your reactions are tuned into protecting by keeping apart, then you are less able to support people in holding together. if you are trained to see hints of negatives, you're generally not going to be very good at encouraging positives. i am not saying that the protection and awareness of potential problems should not be there for a Child Protection Social Worker, I am saying that once you are dealing with making new families, there needs to be a different approach by Adoption Social Workers.
I only fully realised recently that we are not just waiting for a piece of paper from the courts to make us a legal family, we are waiting to be accepted by the system as parents not just guardians. I guess we had naively thought that even though we'd be waiting a little while for the law to acknowledge us as a family, that everyone else would accept us as one. That was never the case. In effect we're still having to prove ourselves.
We have always believed so firmly that adoption is about making families. It has taken us this long to reluctantly accept that it just simply is not the case in this country. My Bible memory is not good enough to remember where exactly the verse comes from that says that we are all members of the same body and a hand can not be more important than a foot or vice versa (or something like that), each member being in different roles, but equally valid/valued and important. And we see family that way. But when it comes to adoption in the UK, parents are seen as an expendable comodity. For the past 2 and a half years we have coninually been made to feel that we, as parents, do not matter and do not need to be looked after. I am not trying to diminish the worth of a child, I am trying to emphasise how important we see the Family, as a whole, all members together.
So I guess that's a long way of saying, yes, mountain snow tiger, we do see that the problems are essentially with the system, and it's inability to focus on families. We see individual social workers as making grave mistakes, but that they made those mistakes because that's how the system works. The system sees a child and his/her needs as being seperate from the needs of the family. But how can a family meet a child's needs if the needs of the family are not only being neglected, but being put under strain, with no support, understanding or empathy?
But when you take it down to bare bones, isn't family, good, healthy, nurturing families and succeeding in getting them for all children, what it's all about?
Ok, we disappeared. Disappeared into a blurry, teary, firey haze full of transitional labour pains, heartache, joy, and nappies. (the tears and fire coming whenever a social worker phones us or crosses the threshold of our home bringing their scrutiny and assessment notepads with them, the labour pains coming everytime we start to feel like she belongs to/with us but then they are there to remind us that she's "not ours yet, she never has been and they could still take her back if we do something they don't like" or something to that effect. . . the joy coming the first time LittleOne allowed me to hold her hand [sometime around mid February], the nappies coming about 4 or 5 times a day.)
Sorry.
Gladly, things are finally starting to go well for our new family. As far as our family, the three of us, on our own, left to get on with being a family on our own and with our friends, that is. I love being a family, when they allow us to be.
Sadly, things have not gone well in terms of the invasive proceedure that is known as 'adoption placement'. (Adoption Placement - The point at which a child begins to live with prospective parents. The period before the adoption is finalized/made legal.) We were never prepared for the scrutiny to continue in quite this way. We weren't prepared for the insensitivities and "miscommunications" (i call them lies, but i get told off by our social worker if i refer to it that way) that have pervaded the last two months, just as we were trying to learn how to do this new parent thing. A stressful thing, even when your new baby isn't 18 mo old and walking around and getting into everything and just beginning to clutch at her own independence when you're trying so hard to attach!
There have been blatant mistakes made that have created more stress, depression, hurt, fear and shock than ever should have been allowed. We keep saying "no one should have to start a family this way."
I paint a grim picture, and I'm sorry, that's just my honesty. The same honesty that so often gets us so in to trouble. What isn't grim, is the potential that is beginning to emerge from our family. We fit together, we do. And once the legal Adoption Order comes through the courts, we will finally be allowed to get on and enjoy it.
We are a family. Now, let's just pray that the systems acknowledge that sooner rather than later.
haven't been online in ages. been trying to get done in two weeks what most parents have 9 months to do. going to bed now, while i leave me friends to put up stair gates.
Drawing Baskets from the Nile 
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