...or do other people find that when a preacher says something you really need to hear, it's most commonly a 'throwaway' line, and completely unrelated to their main topic?
The real trouble with this sort of occurrence is when someone asks you aftewards what you thought about the sermon or about some specific point made, and you have to admit that you actually stopped listening about 7 minutes in because you spent the remainder of the time stunned by this small point, and trying to figure out the ramifications of this point. And people never quite know how to react to that.
Today, I think I may have been given a pointer to help me understand and deal with something I've been struggling with for some months now. Unfortunately, we have 2 services at our church and I went to the first one today, so it was kind of difficult to talk to the preacher afterwards as he still had a second service to run. But I think it's something I need to ponder on for a while...
PJs, plonk and puzzles - that's all you need for a great girly night in. Blonde and I are happily quaffing wine, chatting about hen nights (hers, NOT mine) and trying to fit pieces in my Dr Who jigsaw, whilst putting the world to rights. What more could you want?
Sorry it's been so long since my last post. It's not that nothing interesting has happened, but that most of it isn't really bloggable. Sorry. So, once again, you get my thoughts on life, and how I fit into it. If this sounds dull, please turn off now...
I've found myself reflecting earlier on how I've changed since moving up here. In some ways, it feels a bit like I've grown up - kind of entered the next stage of my life. I'll try and explain. I wento to school with the same people from when I was 7 right through to 18. And in that 11 years, I obviously grew up as a person, and changed. But in some ways, because I was with that same group of people Monday to Friday, and particularly with a specific group of friends, it sort of restricted me in some ways. I had a role in that group, and I'm not sure if I maintained that role because my friends expected me to, or because I wanted to, or what. I didn't really think about it at all - it just happened.
And then, I went to university, and it was terrifying after so many years of security with the same people. And yet, as I'm sure many people have found, it was also incredibly liberating, because I had the freedom to be me, to find friends I could bond with as my 18-year old self, rather than those who'd known me for so long. My confidence soared, and I was probably happier than I'd ever been before.
In some bizarre symetry of life, I spent almost the next 11 years in Swansea, adding to the group of friends I was with, but still keeping a strong core of those people I'd met in my first weeks and months at university. We got to know each other so well, shared some amazing high moments, and some real low ones, and just became such a strong group. When I started to think about leaving that group of friends, it was almost impossible to contemplate not seeing them on a day-to-day basis.
Strangely, though, now its almost seven months since I moved, I'm starting to feel that same sense of liberation again (NB this is NOT to say I don't still really miss people in Swansea). Some of the friends I have up here are people I wouldn't necessarily have expected to become close to, and they're challenging me to push my horizons. Which is good, I think. Also, partly because of my work, I'm becoming far more politically aware and active than ever before - and am managing to do stuff I never expected to feel confident in.
Maybe I'm just too good at (or bad at) finding a role for myself in a group, and then feeling that I have to continue to fill that role in the future. I'm sure other people are far more willing to let me change and grow than I am to allow myself to. But the question for me right now is, how do I get myself out of this cycle? I'm not yet enmeshed enough with a group of friends up here to have pigeonholed myself yet, and I really want to avoid that.
It's been snowing! Bizarrely enough, I didn't notice until checking facebook updates and realising that someone who lives a few streets away had updated that she was watching the snow. And I missed it - now it's kind of drizzling.
You see, that's the problem with snow. It sneaks up and falls so quietly you don't know it's doing it. Maybe if it made as much noise as thunder does, I wouldn't miss it so often - as I do like watching it. But then I guess part of its appeal is the lazy way it drifts down and covers everyting quietly. Not sure that's be the same if there was thunder in the background.
Not a good photo, but just to prove it...
On a more practical note, I'm really, really hoping it now melts overnight. I've never driven in the snow before, and am still somewhat light-headed after a bout of flu last week. Driving to work tomorrow morning may be slightly challenging anyway with the light-headedness - I'm not sure adding snow to the mix will be a good idea.
Since moving earlier this year, issues of peace and unity have become far more real to me, as I now live in a city which does have real issues with territorialism, drug problem, gang violence and so on. Yesterday I was supposed to be out in one area of the city with a colleague, but we had to reschedule due to there being a police cordon on some of the streets we were supposed to be on after a man was shot on Thursday night.
I'm not sure if I've just been naive, or very fortunate in not living in areas where I've really had to think about these sorts of issues. It's shocked me - and the more reading and talking to people I do, the more shocked I become at how resigned to the situation some people are.
I know we naturally form into groups as humans, and that to some extent we define our groups based on who is or isn't part of them - people who work together, students, parents with young children of a similar age, local residents etc. But what I just can't get my head around is how people can feel so strongly about their groups and their 'territory' that they feel the need to resort to violence- that children and young people from one area of the city are scared to go into another area for fear of being physically assaulted - and a well-founded fear at that. It's just so wrong - but how do we even begin to tackle it? And this isn't just an idle wondering, but a serious work-related issue for me right now.
Along with about 300 other people, I joined the Peace and Unity march today - walking through the city centre declaring that we will not stand for the violence any longer - that things HAVE to change. Not many of us, it's true, but maybe it's a start. However, someone there today told me that her son was too scared to come, as he'd been told that there were going to be recriminations because of the Thursday night shooting. And that brings us back full circle.
How did we get into this mess? And how do we get out?
So I'm not a great photographer, but I went for a walk along the river yesterday evening and sunset was very pretty. And I thought you might like to see it.
This weekend, to be honest, I've been tired. Tired of the fact that every time I go somewhere I feel like the outsider, and feel like I'm struggling to make conversation with people. It's not just emotionally tiring, but also somehow physically exhausting. I know this is to be expected, that it's going to take time to get to know people, that I had a pretty unique group of friends back in Swansea. I know all that, really I do. But this weekend it's been a struggle.
On Friday, I had a long battle with myself trying to decide whether or not to go to the Friday Nights evening (social group of 20s & 30s from the church) - there was a quiz night at one couple's house. It was the first time since I arrived that the Friday Nights group was taking place, and I know that going to events like this is going to help me make friends. But oh, what a struggle to get myself motivated to go. And the evening was a bit of a mixture - there were a lot of people there, most of whom knew each other really well. But I did get some good conversations with a few people that went slightly beyond the "So when did you move, what are you doing here, how are you finding it..." type. And the group I was in won the quiz.
This morning, I had a real fight to make myself go to church. It's far harder to be in a group when you don't know people - it really accentuates the isolation, when staying at home with the TV and the internet you can distract yourself somehow. I had a conversation with God before I went, along the lines of "God, I'm just too tired to deal with trying to be sociable afterwards - please help". I guess I'd pretty much decided that I'd just leave straight after the service and not put myself through all the hanging around looking lost with a mug of tea bit.
As I sat down this morning, someone I'd not met before turned round to chat, and to ask who I was, which was a relief that they were initiating the conversation this time, rather than me. Then one of the guys I'd met on Friday came over, said hello, and sat down next to me for the service. I don't think he has any idea how much that meant to me - to have someone seeming to actually want my company, rather than me feel like I'm intruding on other people's company. I didn't tell him, as I didn't want to make him feel like he needs to do the same again - but it made things so much easier. And then one of the girls I'd chatted to for a long time on Friday came over after the service, we chatted for a bit, and I have a dinner invite for some time soon. And I've now met the person who hosts the homegroup I'm now attached to - unfortunately I missed last week's session as I was elsewhere in the country for work reasons.
Miss-Guided 
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