Why was I so scared to turn to the one person who truly knows me and loves me? Well, finally, in the wee small hours of this morning when I had reached the lowest place possible to be in, I cracked.

My other half has gone into turbo-let's-get-this-situation-sorted mode and wants to do all we can to spare me having to talk to mum and dad. Again, sorry, I'm not going to give details out over the web and I think the three people who know the extent of the situation will support me in that decision.

I feel exhausted now and am still scared and stressed but at least I am not alone and not keeping something serious from the one I love and the one who knew there was something very wrong. Some of you might be shocked by this next statement from me; ever the hard headed one who keeps things locked inside and helps others but two nights ago I came very close to ending my own life. However, on reflection I know that would have been the most stupid and selfish thing I could have done.

So, we now have to face things head on and try and come to some agreement before I talk to Mum and Dad.

I was also thinking again today about what Pants said and wrote about prayers. Someone said to me today "dolphy, that is dreadful, rest assured you are in my thoughts and prayers". This I found comforting since it came from a dear friend who is training to be a priest and she is someone I value and respect. That's not to say that others who offer prayers are not valued or respected, hope I'm making sense here, my brain is mush today.

But, do people say they will pray for us to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel it is their way of offering help. Although what good prayers are is beyond me at the moment having lost much faith in the past few months. Or do people genuinely feel that holding us in their prayers will make a difference?

Perhaps this is all too deep for a blog and ought to be a Ship of Fools thread (mind you, it has probably been done to death over there). That said also, I am not reading the Ship at the moment, I just can't take the intensity of the prayer thread - call me selfish but that's just the place I am in at the moment.

If there is one thing I will learn from this, when all this s*** is over, whatever the outcome will be, I swear I will never keep things bottled up again and I will ask for help and advice should I need it.

It is going to be a rough ride over the next week, to say the least and I know there will be more tears and more stress so, if anyone has some strength to spare, please send it my way!

I can not and will not go into details here on the web but if you ever find yourself in a situation that you think you can resolve without help, that you think will go away if you do not face up to it, that you think you can take on single handed, that you think you can get through without taking advice from your friends and your loved ones, that you think you are strong enough, or on the outside to others seem strong enough, to cope with....

DON'T GO IT ALONE.

Ask for help before it is too late.

It seems to me, and after talking to a dear friend and fellow blogger today, many of us are too proud.

Pride sometimes is not a good thing.

This I have now learnt, once again, the hard way.

I am in a dreadful place caused by my own actions, my own stupidity, and my stubborn pride.

Perhaps from time to time it would be good to admit that we are only human, we have our own issues, problems, fears and worries instead of trying to convince others that we can take everything on board calmly when in fact we are screaming in a crowded room with no one listening.

Sometimes we need to say those four letters made immortal by The Beatles: "Help".

It is so easy (and this is with no offence to anyone here) to say, "don't worry, you are in my prayers". Yes, perhaps it is comforting to know that people are offering prayers but no matter how genuine those prayers are, some prayers can not be answered, some situations can not be solved by prayer alone.

As my friend told me today, perhaps it works to pray for the person and the things they are having to deal with, but there are issues that God does not have the power to heal. Perhaps He has the power to take on board the surrounding issues in order that the person can find a way out of a situation, but I'm not sure about this at the moment.

Please don't anyone say that God will answer my prayers and all will be well because right now I am in a place that I can not either believe in that or even trust in it.

And no, this has nothing to do with Dad being ill. (although it will affect him).

Just take a few words of advice from someone who is in a place she never wanted to go again....

Never let your pride get in the way when you have serious issues.

Ask for help, before it is too late.

Don't keep things from those who can help you, especially not your partner or loved ones and closest, because if you do, there will come a time that it will be far harder to tell them those issues when those issues become more advanced than if you had told them in the first instance.

Be human, and ask, before it is too late.

Five long, hard weeks.

Five weeks of coping with my 'space' being invaded.

Five weeks of cooking, cleaning and looking after the parentals.

Five weeks of watching daddy dolphy at his worst.

Five weeks of mummy dolphy crying like a baby in my arms when daddy dolphy was sleeping.

Five weeks of me taking on more than I can cope with.

Five weeks of stress and strain.

Five weeks of caring for my beloved parents and trying to mask my own feelings seeing daddy dolphy suffer so much.

I did suffer.

I was doing so well but, two weeks ago I reached a point of no return, as it were.

Everything in my life fell apart, including me. My w*rk suffered, my health suffered, my relationship suffered heavily, as I crumbled under the strain, and a dear friend of ours passed away.

I am exhausted and still very tearful but... all that said...

daddy dolphy told me this morning just as they left that I deserve a medal.

I told him I didn't want a medal, I've only done what many other offsprings are doing for a parent.

So, this weekend, now that my house is clean and my own again, I am going to give in to the exhaustion and allow myself to be pampered for once!

There was a funny moment this week however... well it seems to have made everyone laugh, except for me! I went for a long overdue eye test. OK, so I'm shortsighted but people have mentioned that I have been screwing my eyes up to see distances and am holding things at arms length to read them... I just put it down to the fact my glasses needed a good clean.

I was wrong!

It's so nice to be told, "well, you will be ** in a couple of weeks, people do need varifocals when they get to that age". (stop laughing out there!).

You'll probably be pleased to hear that I might well still be on blog-lite for a while as I recharge, refocus and sort myself out.

We do have more news on daddy dolphy's further treatments but, I can not really confirm them until his next scan in five weeks time.

Still, when all is said and done.... we got through it!!!!

My love and thanks to all who have been kind enough to send me messages and texts of support, most especially to my 'hand holder who knows when it is appropriate 'not' to be nice to me ;-)

daddy dolphy had a set back this week when we found out that the reason the last operation did now work was because he suffered a mini stroke. This does however explain his dreadful mood swings and his confusion. Sadly they have had to up the treatment so he is now having a higher strength dosage of chemo, fortunately in tablet form, along with the radiotherapy. The dreadful downside are the side effects - I will spare you the details!

They have now gone home, I have cleaned the house and then had a long hot soak in the bath :-)

After having had to cancel the last Indian Head Massage, my beloved other half has paid for me to have one tomorrow - I am happy!!!!

So, the weekend starts here.

I am totally exhausted and stressed but we only have two weeks to get through now... How I have found the strength to cope is beyond me but I do, once again, want to thank all those of you who are praying, supporting and generally being brilliant friends to me. I love you all.

Bad dolphy for being upset that daddy dolphy made mummy dolphy cry.

Bad dolphy for slamming the bathroom door and swearing to herself.

Bad dolphy for wishing tomorrow was the end of week five and not the end of week two.

Bad dolphy for being so stressed she feels like throwing plates against a wall.

Bad dolphy for being so selfish.

Bad dolphy for grumbling to herself about the amount of washing up, cooking and cleaning that she is doing.

VERY bad dolphy for giving mummy dolphy the last of the gin last night and not keeping it for herself (actually, make that far too honest dolphy who admits there is enough for one more glass in the bottle).

Bad dolphy for getting so stressed about the workmen who have put scaffolding on her neighbours house and are using brick saws, a generator, Radio 1 full volume as they shout at each other over the noise.

Bad dolphy for wanting some peace and quiet.

Bad dolphy for having created so much tension in her neck and shoulders that she has a headache. (Good dolphy for taking the sense to book another Indian Head massage...sadly not until the 8th July :-( )

Bad dolphy to blog about this.

And very bad dolphy to not be keeping a stiff upper lip as opposed to fighting back the tears.

=============

Normal service will now be resumed.
Rant endeth.

Pavlov and the team will be here in about two hours time and I believe they have PLANS! I am hoping that I can lock myself away in my study since I am very behind in w*rk and need to get several thousands of words written between now and Friday.

I have a bad feeling about this week; am not sure why but let us hope that feeling is only a feeling and not a reality.

Week two, here we come!

WE SURVIVED! (just).

Wednesday was the worst day of all with stress levels reaching an all time high. It didn't help that first thing in the morning a floppy disc got well and truly jammed in my pooter but, the very nice man at the PC Clinic managed to remove it and didn't charge me for it, bless his heart. I think it is about time that I moved into the technical world and start to save w*rk on memory sticks! I'd save it to cd but this pooter does not seem to like doing that... ah well....

Daddy dolphy is reacting badly to the radiotherapy, sparing you the details, and they are concerned he may also have shingles. This they will look into in more depth when he comes back on Monday.

So, I have cleaned the house, had a long hot shower and am taking the rest of the day off! There is a bottle of rosé chilling in the fridge and I intend to have a glass of that with a rather nice sarnie that I treated myself to from the local deli for lunch.

So, one week down... four more to go!!!

But, praises be, we did survive.

Thank you to all who have been holding us in prayer, supporting me by texts, emails, online and also some of the comments here.

I have to say that Pavlov was kind to me on Thursday morning and allowed me out alone to spend time with my best friend and her youngest daughter. I spent three hours at her house watching the new additions to her marine tank, being cuddled by her youngest, and got to the point where tears of laughter were rolling down my face!!!

There was only one accident on my part this week and I have the most incredible bruise to show for it. On Monday night (or possibly early Tuesday morning) I turned over in bed. I was obviously searching for my usual bed buddy (aka: J) and had forgotten I was alone, in the spare room, in a single bed......

Yes, you guessed it, I fell out of bed!!!

Ah well, back to a nice double bed tonight :-)

The male dolphin was pacing up and down and trying his best to annoy the dolphin, who was trying her best to stay calm. After checking the fuse box she found that the main switch had tripped. Her reflexes were quick enough to panic about the fridge/freezer but, things there were all in order since, after sorting all the electric clocks/stereo and other things (note technical term), it was discovered that the electricity had in fact only been off for about twenty minutes.

So, rudely awakened, the dolphin seemed to be showing signs of irritability, lack of sleep, and general sadness. So, we decided to test her to the extreme and she has spent the day being a taxi service to and from the big building, to and from the town centre, cooking, washing up, and assisting the mother dolphin in digging up a large and elderly plant in the garden.

We have now allowed her to enjoy a glass of wine in the privacy of her 'study' room and, since we do feel bad about the rude awakening, are allowing her to spend 45 minutes with her 'mate', escorted by the dog, later this evening.

Sadly the dolphin does not know the plans we have for her tomorrow! Perhaps this is a good thing after such a stressful day. Pavlov is, however, impressed with her stamina, her control and her humour. That said, we have noticed a certain air of sadness and stress surrounding the dolphin today.

And so, we reach the end of day 2, week one and still such a long way to go. Perhaps we should allow the dolphin a little time out on Thursday morning... all will depend on her reactions and behaviour tomorrow.

Pavlov signing off for now.

After a restless night for all concerned, except the dog!, we decided to split the group up this morning. The Male and Female other (whom we are affectionately calling Mummy and Daddy dolphy) were sent to a big building with beds, medics and nurses in it. They have not yet returned but we are anticipating them coming back sometime around 4pm UK time. Mondays will be the easiest time for the dolphin since the parental dolphins need to be in the big building a long time on those days.

We sent the dolphin out into the world alone this morning after making her do two loads of washing and then hang it out in the garden. Pavlov and team confess to laughing as they watched her leave her natural habitat while the rain began to fall. She showed signs of a reaction we call looking up to Heaven and rolling her eyes.

We gave her a card and a number and a list. Her task was to go to a machine in a wall, put in a secret number, ask for a specific amount of cash, withdraw that cash, place it in her purse, find something called 'trolley' (preferable with a wonky wheel to make this task harder), and then enter a big building full of other experimental people. Pavlov reports that she did this task to the best of her ability, she only showed anger reactions towards some children on two occasions, she did engage in conversation with the lady at the checkout (Pavlov notes that the engagement was very friendly so it is possible that the dolphin may well have been to this place before), and when she arrived back at experiment HQ, she automatically put the food stuffs away in their correct places. We were mostly pleased so allowed her to indulge in a cold glass of apple juice. However, after checking the list we gave her, she seems to have forgotten to buy a clear, fizzy liquid called 'tonic water'. We will watch and take notes when the evening news comes on at six and the Mummy dolphy will ask for a gin and tonic.

We have noted that the dolphin seems a little subdued and so are going to allow her, escorted by the dog, to spend twenty minutes with her 'mate' this lunchtime. We are not yet sure what reactions this will cause.

If the experiment continues in what we feel is ok at the moment, we are going to allow the dolphin to, once again, go out alone tomorrow. We are making a list of tasks for her but are concerned she seems to have forgotten about the assignments we have set her. (Pavlov notes: shows signs of procrastination). The hardest part of the challenge tomorrow will be, among other things, sending her to her favourite shop in the Yard of Neal (Pavlov inserts a wink to Miffy) and only allowing her to buy one item from a list of ten favourites.

Pavlov must now go and give the dog a tape recorder in order to report back how the meeting with her mate will go.

The dolphin has now been removed from her usual habitat and has been moved to her new room where she will spend the next five weeks.

She will be allowed freedom at weekends if she shows the right conditional reflexes.

Her dog is also going to be watched for reflex responses which will hopefully be brought on by new treats and some 'walkies' without the dolphin.

The Others (one male, one female, of the human species) we have brought in to the dolphins' usual habitat are making themselves at home. This is good. However, we have decided to bring on some potential stresses tomorrow to see how they will all cope.

We have set the dolphin some written assignments to do with deadlines in order to assertain how she will cope under pressure. For these purposes she will be locked in her study and we have decided to limit her use of the internet daily. Again, if she responds well to these tasks, she will be allowed some 'prize' time online at weekends.

In order to see if this experiment can really work, we have been even harder on the dolphin and removed her 'mate' from her. She will be allowed half an hour each night on this, the first week, to see her 'mate' and, if they cope with this well, we are considering allowing the dolphin to spend the night away from her new habit once next week. This might be an interesting experiment since we know, from recent secret watching of the dolphin, a natural reflex we call 'guilt' might set in. Guilt for leaving 'The Others' to fend for themselves.

We are also going to make one of The Others feel free to be let loose in the cooking place of the dolphin twice each week. We want to assess whether the dolphin will assist The Other, or take over and let The Other relax, or whether the dolphin will react to her cooking space being invaded.

Thus the experiment is complete.

We await Day 1 of Week 1 to commence.