Why was I so scared to turn to the one person who truly knows me and loves me? Well, finally, in the wee small hours of this morning when I had reached the lowest place possible to be in, I cracked.
My other half has gone into turbo-let's-get-this-situation-sorted mode and wants to do all we can to spare me having to talk to mum and dad. Again, sorry, I'm not going to give details out over the web and I think the three people who know the extent of the situation will support me in that decision.
I feel exhausted now and am still scared and stressed but at least I am not alone and not keeping something serious from the one I love and the one who knew there was something very wrong. Some of you might be shocked by this next statement from me; ever the hard headed one who keeps things locked inside and helps others but two nights ago I came very close to ending my own life. However, on reflection I know that would have been the most stupid and selfish thing I could have done.
So, we now have to face things head on and try and come to some agreement before I talk to Mum and Dad.
I was also thinking again today about what Pants said and wrote about prayers. Someone said to me today "dolphy, that is dreadful, rest assured you are in my thoughts and prayers". This I found comforting since it came from a dear friend who is training to be a priest and she is someone I value and respect. That's not to say that others who offer prayers are not valued or respected, hope I'm making sense here, my brain is mush today.
But, do people say they will pray for us to make themselves feel better, to make themselves feel it is their way of offering help. Although what good prayers are is beyond me at the moment having lost much faith in the past few months. Or do people genuinely feel that holding us in their prayers will make a difference?
Perhaps this is all too deep for a blog and ought to be a Ship of Fools thread (mind you, it has probably been done to death over there). That said also, I am not reading the Ship at the moment, I just can't take the intensity of the prayer thread - call me selfish but that's just the place I am in at the moment.
If there is one thing I will learn from this, when all this s*** is over, whatever the outcome will be, I swear I will never keep things bottled up again and I will ask for help and advice should I need it.
It is going to be a rough ride over the next week, to say the least and I know there will be more tears and more stress so, if anyone has some strength to spare, please send it my way!
Never let pride get in the way when you need help.
(dolphy, 27.07.06)
I want to give you all a few words of advice, if I may be so bold as to do so.
I can not and will not go into details here on the web but if you ever find yourself in a situation that you think you can resolve without help, that you think will go away if you do not face up to it, that you think you can take on single handed, that you think you can get through without taking advice from your friends and your loved ones, that you think you are strong enough, or on the outside to others seem strong enough, to cope with....
DON'T GO IT ALONE.
Ask for help before it is too late.
It seems to me, and after talking to a dear friend and fellow blogger today, many of us are too proud.
Pride sometimes is not a good thing.
This I have now learnt, once again, the hard way.
I am in a dreadful place caused by my own actions, my own stupidity, and my stubborn pride.
Perhaps from time to time it would be good to admit that we are only human, we have our own issues, problems, fears and worries instead of trying to convince others that we can take everything on board calmly when in fact we are screaming in a crowded room with no one listening.
Sometimes we need to say those four letters made immortal by The Beatles: "Help".
It is so easy (and this is with no offence to anyone here) to say, "don't worry, you are in my prayers". Yes, perhaps it is comforting to know that people are offering prayers but no matter how genuine those prayers are, some prayers can not be answered, some situations can not be solved by prayer alone.
As my friend told me today, perhaps it works to pray for the person and the things they are having to deal with, but there are issues that God does not have the power to heal. Perhaps He has the power to take on board the surrounding issues in order that the person can find a way out of a situation, but I'm not sure about this at the moment.
Please don't anyone say that God will answer my prayers and all will be well because right now I am in a place that I can not either believe in that or even trust in it.
And no, this has nothing to do with Dad being ill. (although it will affect him).
Just take a few words of advice from someone who is in a place she never wanted to go again....
Never let your pride get in the way when you have serious issues.
Ask for help, before it is too late.
Don't keep things from those who can help you, especially not your partner or loved ones and closest, because if you do, there will come a time that it will be far harder to tell them those issues when those issues become more advanced than if you had told them in the first instance.
dolphy's digressions 
6
Permalink