Thing is right, so as to make them look good and that, they sent some geezer to take photos in Arizona. That's in America that is. I know this, right, cos my mate Barry's sister went on holiday to America a few years ago and she saw photos of Arizona ad she says that it looks just like the so called photos from Mars. It's true.

I'll tell you something else, right. Do you remember that Louis Armstrong geezer who was suuposed to of gone to the moon and done that speech about \"One giant leap for me\" and all that? Well, that was all a fake too. He wasn't on the Moon at all, he was in Iceland. They just took all the photos at night so it looked all dark and that so you'd just think he was on the Moon.

Or was it Greenland? Somewhere like that anyway.

The one WE sent up a few weeks ago was for real though. You know the one I mean - it was called the Basset Hound or something. Shame it broke down. They should of come to me first and it wouldn't of broke down cos I know about motors and that.and that.

No, instead of celebrating Christmas properly, they go to church and that. I mean what's the point of that? What's the church got to do with Christmas eh?

It's them Italian kids I feel sorry for.

And what do they know? Nothing.

I'll tell you something right. These so called teachers are supposed to be all clever and that, but they're not really. Thing is, see, they're supposed to know all this stuff, but in fact they only read about it in books and that. Trouble is, they're teaching our kids to do the same thing. Political correctness gone mad if you ask me.

I had to work hard to get where I am and know all the stuff I do, and I done it all without poncing around with my head in a book.

Let me loose in front of a class of kids. I'd soon teach em something.

That's a promise that is.

He had a really bad accident playinf football see. Himmler played for the same team.

Dunno about Goebbels though. I reckon he must of been playing rugby.

There's a way round this though. Just like bus lanes, we could have a special lane for other motors. could call it the \"other motors lane\". That way, all the buses in the bus lane can still go fast like, and all the other motors can go fast in the other motors lane.

Why hasn't anyone thought that up before? It's simple really. And it would work.

You know why we change the clocks though? It all goes back to World War 2 when the government made us all put the clocks back every two years so as to stop all the bus conductors and that spending all day in the pub. If they hadn't done it, right, the bus conductors wouldn't have done no work so we'd have lost the war. That's a fact that is.

Anyway, I reckon it's time we done away with all this clock changing stuff. It's out of date nowadays cos there aren't no bus conductors any more.

Besides, who wants an hours less sleep every night?

Not me mate!

You've got all them people in this small village, right, but have you noticed anything strange? Well, they all look the same and every single one of them is DEFORMED! Look close like, and you'll see that they've all only got three fingers! Every single one of them! So they all look alike and they've all got three fingers, so that must mean they're all in-breeded and that.

Now then, what have they all got in common? I'll tell you what. That Postman Pat geezer, that's what. He drives around the village in his little black and white van and he knows evryone and everyone knows him. Coincidence? No, he's obviously the father to everyone in the village. He's only got three fingers too you see, so that proves it. And what's going on between him and that old bird in the Post Office, that's what I want to know.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind. I'm as broad minded as the next bloke, so long as it's done tasteful, like in The Sun and that. But kids watch this show! What sort of example are we giving them?

Mind you, it's his cat I feel sorry for. Sylvester his name is. Or it might be Felix. Something like that anyway.

No, I know for a fact he's not in that box, cos he was down my local the other night. There he was, large as life, drinking Drambuie and Coke. That's the truth that is

Now I didn't actually see him myself, cos I was in the gents at the time, but my mate Barry saw him. It's true - just ask anyone who was there. They'll tell you.

So, if you take sheep to Trafalgar Square, there's nothing they can do about it, cos it's your right to do it, see?

That's the law that is. But only of you live in London.

But that's why she always wears gloves see?

That's a fact that is.