So them yanks reckon the've landed on Mars right? Well, I can tell you now that they haven't got there at all. That so called "Space Ship" they've got never even left the ground. That's a fact that is.
Thing is right, so as to make them look good and that, they sent some geezer to take photos in Arizona. That's in America that is. I know this, right, cos my mate Barry's sister went on holiday to America a few years ago and she saw photos of Arizona ad she says that it looks just like the so called photos from Mars. It's true.
I'll tell you something else, right. Do you remember that Louis Armstrong geezer who was suuposed to of gone to the moon and done that speech about "One giant leap for me" and all that? Well, that was all a fake too. He wasn't on the Moon at all, he was in Iceland. They just took all the photos at night so it looked all dark and that so you'd just think he was on the Moon.
Or was it Greenland? Somewhere like that anyway.
The one WE sent up a few weeks ago was for real though. You know the one I mean - it was called the Basset Hound or something. Shame it broke down. They should of come to me first and it wouldn't of broke down cos I know about motors and that.and that.
Did you know they don't have Christmas in Italy? Well they do, but not proper Christmas with tinsel and turkey and beer and that like we do.
No, instead of celebrating Christmas properly, they go to church and that. I mean what's the point of that? What's the church got to do with Christmas eh?
Tssch. Teachers eh? I mean, what's the point of them? You see them driving around in their big flash cars and living in their big houses. What's more, they get 6 months holiday every year and even when they are "working" they only have to go in from 10 til 3. That's a fact that is.
And what do they know? Nothing.
I'll tell you something right. These so called teachers are supposed to be all clever and that, but they're not really. Thing is, see, they're supposed to know all this stuff, but in fact they only read about it in books and that. Trouble is, they're teaching our kids to do the same thing. Political correctness gone mad if you ask me.
I had to work hard to get where I am and know all the stuff I do, and I done it all without poncing around with my head in a book.
Let me loose in front of a class of kids. I'd soon teach em something.
What's the point of bus lanes, that's what I want to know. You get an empty lane in the road, right, and then buses can just speed up them without getting held up while the rest of us in other motors get stuck in traffic jams!
There's a way round this though. Just like bus lanes, we could have a special lane for other motors. could call it the "other motors lane". That way, all the buses in the bus lane can still go fast like, and all the other motors can go fast in the other motors lane.
Why hasn't anyone thought that up before? It's simple really. And it would work.
So the clocks go back this weekend then. Or is it forward? Whatever, it's either forward or back so that we can get more time in bed to bring us back into Greenwich Winter Time.
You know why we change the clocks though? It all goes back to World War 2 when the government made us all put the clocks back every two years so as to stop all the bus conductors and that spending all day in the pub. If they hadn't done it, right, the bus conductors wouldn't have done no work so we'd have lost the war. That's a fact that is.
Anyway, I reckon it's time we done away with all this clock changing stuff. It's out of date nowadays cos there aren't no bus conductors any more.
Besides, who wants an hours less sleep every night?
Ever seen that Postman Pat on TV? Well, there's something strange going on there. Watch it and you'll see what I mean.
You've got all them people in this small village, right, but have you noticed anything strange? Well, they all look the same and every single one of them is DEFORMED! Look close like, and you'll see that they've all only got three fingers! Every single one of them! So they all look alike and they've all got three fingers, so that must mean they're all in-breeded and that.
Now then, what have they all got in common? I'll tell you what. That Postman Pat geezer, that's what. He drives around the village in his little black and white van and he knows evryone and everyone knows him. Coincidence? No, he's obviously the father to everyone in the village. He's only got three fingers too you see, so that proves it. And what's going on between him and that old bird in the Post Office, that's what I want to know.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind. I'm as broad minded as the next bloke, so long as it's done tasteful, like in The Sun and that. But kids watch this show! What sort of example are we giving them?
Mind you, it's his cat I feel sorry for. Sylvester his name is. Or it might be Felix. Something like that anyway.
You know that David Blaine geezer? Well he's supposed to be in that box, right, but he's not there at all. It's one of them hologram things he set up. He did it with one of them new mobile phones with a camera on it. Amazing what you can do nowadays.
No, I know for a fact he's not in that box, cos he was down my local the other night. There he was, large as life, drinking Drambuie and Coke. That's the truth that is
Now I didn't actually see him myself, cos I was in the gents at the time, but my mate Barry saw him. It's true - just ask anyone who was there. They'll tell you.
You know the Queen right? Well, she's got SIX fingers on one hand. That's true. I'm not sure which hand it is though. It's either the left one or the right one, I can't remember.
That Queen Elizabeth the First right? Well you know she never got married and never had no kids right? You know why though?
It because she was a BLOKE!! Straight up!
Fact is, right, his/her real name was Herbert, so he/she chose to call him/herself Elizabeth and wear a dress and that. (Well, could you imagine a King Herbert?)
Mind you, if I had a choice between calling myself Herbert or Elizabeth I'd probably of gone for Elizabeth myself, know what I mean? Then again, she probably didn't have no choice in the matter, being royal and that It was one or the other. I mean, if I had a choice, I'd of said a big NO to both names and called myself Kevin or something.
It's true about her being a bloke though. My mate Barry says so, and he should know, cos his brother's got a GCSE in History.
You know that William Shakespeare right? Well, he was supposed to so brilliant at writing plays and that, but the fact is, he never wrote any of them plays. Not a single word.
No, it was his wife that wrote all them plays. Ann Gathaway her name was. trouble was, see, that people didn't take her seriously as a play writer, what with her being a woman and that, so she put Bill's name to them. He made a lot of money out of it too. He used it to buy her a nice house. It's near Birmingham. Of course, it wasn't called Birmingham in them days, it was called something else. I've been there. It's called Ann Gathaways Cottage and it's really nice
So, next time you see one of them Shakespeare plays - Romeo & Juliet, Hamlet, William IV, Birds of a Feather - just remember it was her that wrote them, not him.
That's true that is. I read something about it once.
So they're going to ban people using mobile phones when they're driving. Good thing too if you ask me.
You know why they've done it don't you? It's because it's dangerous cos the radiation from mobile phones will give you an heart attack. Straight up! So that's why they've banned it see. Imagine if you was to have an heart attack while you was driving!
You know all them emails you get advertising porn sites right? Well, thing is, right, you only ever get them if you've been looking at porn sites in the first place. That's true, no word of a lie.
All that other stuff you get like mortgages, loans, casinos that sort of stuff - well that's different. They just pick your email address at random and send it to you, but if you get stuff advertising porn, it proves you've been looking at porn on the internet
I'll tell you what, them oil companies have got us all by the wotsits!
You probably don't know this right, but it's possible to build a motor that runs totally on water. No word of a lie. Scientists have done it. Thing is though, the oil companie bought the idea off em to stop them going any further so as to protect their business.
Ever seen a UFO? Probably not and nor have I, but that's cos we spend all our time on the ground, so we can't see them properly. But they still exist. It's a well known fact that all pilots have seen at least one UFO, probably more, but they're sworn to secrecy. Understandable really. I mean, it would only cause a panic.
In fact, NASA have got a load of aliens they captured but keep it top secret so as not to cause a panic.
It's true you know - my mate Barry told me and he should know cos his ex girlfriend used to work for a travel agent.
You know the internet right? well it's supposed to be so brilliant yeah? Well, you know the biggest problem with the internet right? No? Well, it's all the rubbish you read on it. I don't know if you know this, but 86% of all of what you read on the internet is totally made up without an ounce of fact to back it up. That's right, 86%!! No word of a lie! surprised? Well I want to change all of that and be one of the 17% what actually writes real and actual facts.
I can promise you that all what I write here is total 100% honest actual truth.
The bloke in the pub 
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