It seems to me that grace is one of those theological concepts that we feel we should understand, and yet it is a slippery little monster to get to grips with. Over the last few years my understanding of grace has been one of the most sustaining things for my Christian faith. Where the church has failed in so many ways, the knowledge that no matter what I do God still loves me passionately has continued to hold onto me. Finally my sister is starting to understand what this means, and yet it seems to be rocking her world. I am not entirely sure that is a bad thing either, but it is distinctly uncomfortable for her.

In the book What's So Amazing About Grace? a Christian counsellor David Seamans is quoted as saying

“Many years ago I was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of the most emotional problems among evangelical Christians are these: the failure to understand, receive, and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness; and the failure to give out that love, forgiveness and the grace to other people... We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace. But that's not the way we live. The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions.”

The other interesting thing about our conversation is that I was trying to explain to my sister that one of the reasons I feel so comfortable in the queer Christian community is that many LGBT men and women have good understanding and experience of what grace means. It would seem that for the first time ever my sister may understand why my attraction and inclusion in that community is so important for me. For those people who sit outside of perceived social norms and expectations, especially in the church, grace is vital. Not only it is about grace being directed to other people we meet, but also the ability for individuals to direct grace towards themselves. There is nothing quite like sitting in a large group of people, sharing communion, and knowing that their struggles are held together by grace. I don't get that in church, but I do get it at Courage. The knowledge that none of us are there because of who we are, but because of who God is is overwhelming.

So why is grace so hard to understand? Is it that we all live in a world which is obsessed with achievement and results? Is it that we all have such low self-esteem that we don't believe we are worth being given things we have not worked for? I am not sure, but all I know is that my faith is built on grace. Without it I have nothing, and failure to get to grips with it will mean that I will burn myself out, trying so hard to pursue the ideal but gaining nothing of substance.

Grace. It's more than enough for me.

So, my new child is called Misseline. She is seven years old and she lives in Haiti. The photograph I have received shows a rather sad looking girl in her school uniform. I just hope that the money she receives through Compassion can make a huge difference to her life and bring a smile to her beautiful face.

Today is my lovely Mum's birthday. She is an amazing Mum. Always there for me, being supportive, but also challenging me when I am out of order (which is quite often). She is fun to be with, plays a good game of Scrabble (but not quite as good as me these days) and she cooks a fabulous roast dinner! I really miss being able to go out walking with her, just chatting about what has been happening and spending time with her. She is fab company and she loves her smart little sporty car. It is possibly her only real nod to being materialistic!!. I miss her a lot, and I love her for all the things she has given me and the fact that she has helped to make me the person I am today. She has taught me so much and she is a far, far more gracious person than I could ever be!

This year Mum received a totally hand-made birthday gift from me this year. She got a fabulous hand-made card, but I also made her an apron and some lavender bags.

When Peterson was staying with me last week I could hear him singing really loudly in my front room. Nothing too unusual about that until I came downstairs to see him prancing about in Mum's apron and wearing the lavender bags as earrings. So.... here is my glamorous model ;)

1) As I live on my own I don't have anyone to 'download' to when I come home. Sometimes my blog is cathartic, it gives me the opportunity to share what has been bugging me and to get it out of my system.

2) It gives me space to work things through, to process issues and to open them up for comments. I love getting comments on what I am writing, as they help me to reframe my thought processes and to develop my thinking.

3) It is good to be heard. As a woman who was part of a Newfrontiers church for such a long time this is something of a novelty.

4) I love to be able to share my pictures, and all the good things that have been happening to me.

5) I also like to be able to share when I am feeling shit. The support, love, and compassion that comes from people when I am having a hard time is invaluable.

6) It keeps my friends up to date with what has been going on in my life.

7) It often opens up discussions with people. Sometimes it can be hard to say things face to face to someone, but a blog post gets the conversation started.

8) I am an exhibitionist at heart!

Blogging and a number of other internet places have given me the opportunity to form an additional community. More and more these communities, both real life and the online communities are crossing over as I meet people in real life I have only known online before. I love the fact that the internet has extended my horizons, it has meant that I have developed friendships with people I might never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise.

As for the comment that I am too honest. I really hope that I have never offended anyone by what I have said on my blog. I hope that people realise and recognise that this is 'my stuff' and in the main it is me working through my thought processes. Anyway, I truly believe that honesty is what gives my blog credibility and therefore I will keep rambling as I have never rambled before :)

Tonight gave me a little bit of hope that this experience of God may not be so far out of my reach. Once the talky bit was done they encouraged people to do up for prayer, something that I resolutely did not want to do, but in the end I did and I had a wonderful experience. What was said over me was spot on and reflected so much of what I have been thinking about over the last week. I have wept more over the last week than I have done in a long time, but all of it has been cathartic, rather than unhealthy. The tears were not uncontrollable, they were gentle, cleansing, soothing and full of hopefulness.

This little quote from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love probably sums up better all the recent experiences I have been having...

“You continue struggling to see your own truth. When people who know your heart well and love you dearly say that you are a child of God, that God has entered deeply into your being, and that you are offering much of God to others, you hear these statements as pep talks. You don't believe that these people are really seeing what they are saying.

You cannot force things, however. You cannot make yourself see what others see, you cannot fully claim yourself when parts of you are still wayward. You have to acknowledge where you are and affirm that place. You have to be willing to live your loneliness, your incompleteness, your lack of total incarnation fearlessness, and trust that God will give you the people to keep showing your the truth of who you are.”

There are rare occasions when I feel like a total outsider. I feel as though I don't fit into the social groups that I am with, I am not gay or lesbian, I sometimes don't feel like I quite fit into the straight world and church can certainly feel a bit like I don't belong. Instead of feeling connected with my communities I feel like a foreigner in a strange land, and yet there are other times when I feel fully rooted and established in those communities.

Growing up in a charismatic pentecostal churches (Elim when I was a child through to Newfrontiers as an adult) meant that so much of my Christian life was based on prophetic words, hearing God, etc. etc. I had many 'words of knowledge', pictures etc. given to me, and yet over time very, very few of these have ever been fulfilled or stayed true in my heart. With the exception of one, which I keep coming back to, time and time again. Since the conference last week this promise from God has continually come into my head. It is a passage from Isaiah 58... the whole chapters is amazing but it is verses 11 and 12 that do it for me!

“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”

So, I come back to the original question, "What do you want me to do for you?".

I want this promise.

Then we wandered back up to St Martin in the Field Church in Trafalgar Square which has recently been refurbished. It has the most beautiful window – very simple but so striking.

The weather was lovely, hot and sunny for most of the day and on the way to our next engagement we stopped off at the National Portrait Gallery for a quick culture fix. Our next stop was to the BBC radio studios for Peterson to do an interview for BBC Ulster. I am just hoping (and praying) that the interviewer didn't hear us talking too much before the interview – there was some rather “interesting” comments going on.

After this we made our way to Courage for their monthly meeting and Peterson was presenting. Once again I found the evening quite emotional, although I am still processing the exact reasons for that. Maybe I will come back to that sometime soon when I have thought things through a little more.

We finally got home at 12.45am. Tired, but it was a fab day.