Last night I had the most amazing conversation with my younger sister. At times she and I are like chalk and cheese and yet last night I feel as though we met in a much more honest and emotional way than ever before. She had been reading my blog about my recent weird God experiences and she started talking about the fact that for the first time ever she is finally beginning to understand what grace really means.
It seems to me that grace is one of those theological concepts that we feel we should understand, and yet it is a slippery little monster to get to grips with. Over the last few years my understanding of grace has been one of the most sustaining things for my Christian faith. Where the church has failed in so many ways, the knowledge that no matter what I do God still loves me passionately has continued to hold onto me. Finally my sister is starting to understand what this means, and yet it seems to be rocking her world. I am not entirely sure that is a bad thing either, but it is distinctly uncomfortable for her.
In the book What's So Amazing About Grace? a Christian counsellor David Seamans is quoted as saying
“Many years ago I was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of the most emotional problems among evangelical Christians are these: the failure to understand, receive, and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness; and the failure to give out that love, forgiveness and the grace to other people... We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace. But that's not the way we live. The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions.”
The other interesting thing about our conversation is that I was trying to explain to my sister that one of the reasons I feel so comfortable in the queer Christian community is that many LGBT men and women have good understanding and experience of what grace means. It would seem that for the first time ever my sister may understand why my attraction and inclusion in that community is so important for me. For those people who sit outside of perceived social norms and expectations, especially in the church, grace is vital. Not only it is about grace being directed to other people we meet, but also the ability for individuals to direct grace towards themselves. There is nothing quite like sitting in a large group of people, sharing communion, and knowing that their struggles are held together by grace. I don't get that in church, but I do get it at Courage. The knowledge that none of us are there because of who we are, but because of who God is is overwhelming.
So why is grace so hard to understand? Is it that we all live in a world which is obsessed with achievement and results? Is it that we all have such low self-esteem that we don't believe we are worth being given things we have not worked for? I am not sure, but all I know is that my faith is built on grace. Without it I have nothing, and failure to get to grips with it will mean that I will burn myself out, trying so hard to pursue the ideal but gaining nothing of substance.
I have a new child! Well, a new sponsor child that is. For several years I have sponsored a child through a charity called Compassion. They are a brilliant charity which works in 24 countries in some of the poorest parts of the world, working through church-based projects supporting individual children and families. They provide access to healthcare, education, vocational training, social, emotional and spiritual care. It only costs £18 per month to sponsor a child and as you aren't sponsoring a nameless individual it is possible (and you are encouraged) to write to your child, send them photos of yourself and your family. In return you get a photograph and some basic information about your child, and the knowledge that you can make a difference to them and their family. £18 a month isn't very much, but it can make such a difference to these children.
So, my new child is called Misseline. She is seven years old and she lives in Haiti. The photograph I have received shows a rather sad looking girl in her school uniform. I just hope that the money she receives through Compassion can make a huge difference to her life and bring a smile to her beautiful face.
Today is my lovely Mum's birthday. She is an amazing Mum. Always there for me, being supportive, but also challenging me when I am out of order (which is quite often). She is fun to be with, plays a good game of Scrabble (but not quite as good as me these days) and she cooks a fabulous roast dinner! I really miss being able to go out walking with her, just chatting about what has been happening and spending time with her. She is fab company and she loves her smart little sporty car. It is possibly her only real nod to being materialistic!!. I miss her a lot, and I love her for all the things she has given me and the fact that she has helped to make me the person I am today. She has taught me so much and she is a far, far more gracious person than I could ever be!
This year Mum received a totally hand-made birthday gift from me this year. She got a fabulous hand-made card, but I also made her an apron and some lavender bags.
When Peterson was staying with me last week I could hear him singing really loudly in my front room. Nothing too unusual about that until I came downstairs to see him prancing about in Mum's apron and wearing the lavender bags as earrings. So.... here is my glamorous model ;)
I had an interesting conversation with a friend last week about my blog. He thinks I am too honest, and maybe I am at times, but this discussion started me thinking a lot about why I blog at all. So, here are my list of reasons.
1) As I live on my own I don't have anyone to 'download' to when I come home. Sometimes my blog is cathartic, it gives me the opportunity to share what has been bugging me and to get it out of my system.
2) It gives me space to work things through, to process issues and to open them up for comments. I love getting comments on what I am writing, as they help me to reframe my thought processes and to develop my thinking.
3) It is good to be heard. As a woman who was part of a Newfrontiers church for such a long time this is something of a novelty.
4) I love to be able to share my pictures, and all the good things that have been happening to me.
5) I also like to be able to share when I am feeling shit. The support, love, and compassion that comes from people when I am having a hard time is invaluable.
6) It keeps my friends up to date with what has been going on in my life.
7) It often opens up discussions with people. Sometimes it can be hard to say things face to face to someone, but a blog post gets the conversation started.
8) I am an exhibitionist at heart!
Blogging and a number of other internet places have given me the opportunity to form an additional community. More and more these communities, both real life and the online communities are crossing over as I meet people in real life I have only known online before. I love the fact that the internet has extended my horizons, it has meant that I have developed friendships with people I might never have had the opportunity to meet otherwise.
As for the comment that I am too honest. I really hope that I have never offended anyone by what I have said on my blog. I hope that people realise and recognise that this is 'my stuff' and in the main it is me working through my thought processes. Anyway, I truly believe that honesty is what gives my blog credibility and therefore I will keep rambling as I have never rambled before :)
RC Part 32 - Further Tales of the City and Significant Others by Armistead Maupin
(auntiedoris, 12.05.08)
I have just finished reading Further Tales of the City and Significant Others by Armistead Maupin. They are such great novels, with fantastic, likeable characters. One thing that really struck me though was just how much understanding and treatment of HIV and AIDS has changed since these books were written. Now I generally expect people who are HIV+ to die of natural causes rather than anything related to their status. Anyway, fab books and well worth a read.
I feel that over the last week or so I have met with God in the strangest of places. Those times have been both sublime, and painful and tonight at church I had the same experience. The theme this evening was about the Holy Spirit and I nearly didn't go, partly out of fear, and partly because I was knackered. My previous experiences of 'Holy-Spirit stuff' has often been of hyped up worship, pseudo-spiritual experiences and over-the-top emotion. I don't like feeling out of control. I want to experience God in a quiet, hopeful, peaceful, gentle way. In some ways I need to experience him like that, because otherwise I get flashbacks to the previous story.
Tonight gave me a little bit of hope that this experience of God may not be so far out of my reach. Once the talky bit was done they encouraged people to do up for prayer, something that I resolutely did not want to do, but in the end I did and I had a wonderful experience. What was said over me was spot on and reflected so much of what I have been thinking about over the last week. I have wept more over the last week than I have done in a long time, but all of it has been cathartic, rather than unhealthy. The tears were not uncontrollable, they were gentle, cleansing, soothing and full of hopefulness.
This little quote from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love probably sums up better all the recent experiences I have been having...
“You continue struggling to see your own truth. When people who know your heart well and love you dearly say that you are a child of God, that God has entered deeply into your being, and that you are offering much of God to others, you hear these statements as pep talks. You don't believe that these people are really seeing what they are saying.
You have to start seeing yourself as your truthful friends see you. As long as you remain blind to your own truth, you keep putting yourself down and referring to everyone else as better, holier, and more loved than you are. You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty, and love because you so not see any of these qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realising that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet.
You cannot force things, however. You cannot make yourself see what others see, you cannot fully claim yourself when parts of you are still wayward. You have to acknowledge where you are and affirm that place. You have to be willing to live your loneliness, your incompleteness, your lack of total incarnation fearlessness, and trust that God will give you the people to keep showing your the truth of who you are.”
(Thanks to a certain person for picking up this book and reading this out to me... it so makes sense!)
OK, back to last night. So, there I am, sitting in a Courage meeting, generally minding my own business (for a change) and Peterson is presenting a variety of stuff from his shows as well as a few other bits and pieces. Just as we are nearing the end he starts talking about Jesus healing the blind man (Mark 10) and how Jesus asks quite an unusual question of him. He asks him "What do you want me to do for you?". It would seem like an obvious question for a man who is unable to see, but Jesus asks him nonetheless. The theme of the evening was that so often we come to Jesus, viewing ourselves as the dregs of the church, and even society, when actually God has already given us so much. Instead of seeing ourselves as having little, we need to start seeing ourselves as having much; much of which God has already given to us. This question completely and utterly spun me out though, what would I ask Jesus for if I had a few minutes with him? Would I ask him for a husband? Financial security? A big house? Spiritual gifts? More compassion? I am not sure.
There are rare occasions when I feel like a total outsider. I feel as though I don't fit into the social groups that I am with, I am not gay or lesbian, I sometimes don't feel like I quite fit into the straight world and church can certainly feel a bit like I don't belong. Instead of feeling connected with my communities I feel like a foreigner in a strange land, and yet there are other times when I feel fully rooted and established in those communities.
Growing up in a charismatic pentecostal churches (Elim when I was a child through to Newfrontiers as an adult) meant that so much of my Christian life was based on prophetic words, hearing God, etc. etc. I had many 'words of knowledge', pictures etc. given to me, and yet over time very, very few of these have ever been fulfilled or stayed true in my heart. With the exception of one, which I keep coming back to, time and time again. Since the conference last week this promise from God has continually come into my head. It is a passage from Isaiah 58... the whole chapters is amazing but it is verses 11 and 12 that do it for me!
“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.”
In 1997 I felt that God had given this to me as a promise as to the sort of woman I would be but I wasn't sure what being called a “Repairer of Broken Walls” or a “Rebuilder of Streets with Dwellings” would mean, or look like. In some ways I think I fulfill part of this in the job I do, but I think there is so much more to it than this. The promise isn't only to be this restorer, but that the Lord would be there always, guiding, protecting strengthening, and providing. Basically he will satisfy all things.
I don't know why this one promise has remained so strong, I dream about it, see the words in my head like a word cloud. I see photographs and pictures that tie in with this scripture and remind me of those words and promises. Every time I see a broken building, or a beautiful garden I think of this promise. Maybe that is why it has stayed so true. God has put reminders everywhere of the sort of woman that I have been called to be and the hope he has given me.
So, I come back to the original question, "What do you want me to do for you?".
What a gorgeous day today!!! Peterson and I went into London and wandered around for quite a considerable portion of the day. We started off in Soho and went to a fab vegan restaurant for lunch and then we went down by Charing Cross Station for coffee where Peterson proceeded to fall asleep in Starbucks. I left him to it for a while. He was very tired. Must be his age I think. After that we had a little wander through the gardens and I took arty photos of things.
Then we wandered back up to St Martin in the Field Church in Trafalgar Square which has recently been refurbished. It has the most beautiful window – very simple but so striking.
The weather was lovely, hot and sunny for most of the day and on the way to our next engagement we stopped off at the National Portrait Gallery for a quick culture fix. Our next stop was to the BBC radio studios for Peterson to do an interview for BBC Ulster. I am just hoping (and praying) that the interviewer didn't hear us talking too much before the interview – there was some rather “interesting” comments going on.
After this we made our way to Courage for their monthly meeting and Peterson was presenting. Once again I found the evening quite emotional, although I am still processing the exact reasons for that. Maybe I will come back to that sometime soon when I have thought things through a little more.
We finally got home at 12.45am. Tired, but it was a fab day.
Tonight Peterson and I watched a couple of films, including Camp which is a great film. It features one of my favourite songs, Here's Where I Stand. The first time I saw the film this song made me cry because the lyrics were really poignant for me. I have just found it on YouTube so I thought I would blog it :)
Today has been a lovely day. The weather has been gorgeous all day and the sun has been shining. That makes me generally quite happy. Also Peterson arrived and we have spent the day very happily wandering around the craft fayre at Hatfield House, and visiting the house. I feel duty bound to provide him with a little bit of history and culture during his stay. The fayre is quite a bizarre mix of different wares, and there are also lectures on different techniques etc. Also there is a fab food and drink tent so we spent quite quite some time wandering through there and sampling what was on offer.
1600 patchwork pieces.
10 different colour blocks.
Over 160 different fabrics.
Just over 2.50 metres square.
Edging and backing fabric 'liberated' from my Mum's fabric chest.
I love it!!! It has ended up much bigger than I expected, but I like the fact that it hangs right down both sides of the bed. It has taken me years to complete it, mainly because I forgot I had been doing it for a while and rediscovered it in the back of my cupboard.
Technically it isn't a complicated quilt. Handstiched 5cm squares stitched into 4x4 blocks which were then randomly (carefully!) placed to ensure that the same blocks weren't too near each other. Edged in blue, then edged in a cream fabric with little blue flowers on it. Then I backed the quilt top with a cotton, then with wadding, another sheet of cotton and then the backing fabric to match the cream blue flowery edging (actually I had to stitch 2 pieces of the backing fabric together, and it was only after I had finished it I notied that I had turned one piece by 90 degrees. Oh well!!). Finally I added bias binding which I machined through all layers to make it strong. Finally I spot quilted in the corner of each square using a button.
I meant to post this a few days ago, but I got caught up with all the conference stuff.
As part of my daily readings I use this fab little book called Reflections for Ragamuffins: Daily Devotions by Brennan Manning. I find it a very helpful book and Manning defines Ragamuffins as "the poor in spirit, those who were little in their own sight, those who were conscious of their nakedness and poverty before God and who thus cast themselves without reservation on his mercy".
One of the readings really spoke to me
“As a fringe benefit, practicing silent solitude enables us to sleep less and to feel more energetic. The energy expended in the exhausting pursuit of illusory happiness is now available to be focused on the things that really matter – love, friendship and intimacy with God.
Being alone with the Alone moves us from what John Henry Newman called rational or notional knowledge to real knowledge. The first means that I know something in a remote abstract way that never intrudes on my consciousness; the second means I may not know it but I act on it anyway. In solitary silence we listen with great attentiveness to the voice that calls us the beloved. God speaks to the deepest strata of our souls, into out self-hatred and shame, our narcissism, and takes us through the night into the daylight of his truth."
Those who know me in real life will know that I find silence an extraordinarily difficult thing to face head-on. I like being distracted by noise, people, things etc. and yet I am finding myself drawn to this concept of being alone with the Alone. It seems that all my Christian life I have sought out distraction; long drawn-out sermons, happy-clappy worship and lots and lots of people asking me how I am, even if they don't really want to hear the honest answer.
I am not sure I will ever really get to grips with this, but maybe it is only now that I am beginning to truly appreciate that the reality of pursuing this quiet, centered approach to God (for at least part of my worship and devotional experience) is a vital part of my faith and my relationship with Jesus. The need to settle in his presence without the avoidant behaviour both terrifies and delights me. I guess it is like being with good friends with whom you have no need to talk. The silence is OK, never uncomfortable, but instead there is something restorative about being with people who love you for being you. Maybe this is something I need to pursue with God. The need to impress or perform is not required because I am the one in whom he truly delights.
“He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
2 Samuel 22:20
I have just finished reading Pillow Talk by Freya North. I really like her books and she seems to get better and better. This book is about Petra Flint, a jewellery designer who has a bad habit of sleepwalking. It is a nice romantic novel about how she meets the boy she had a crush on whilst at school. It is an easy, feel-good read. It made me happy!
I have had a lovely day. This morning I went and played tennis with my friend James. We were rubbish, but we had fun and it was nice to be out in the sunshine.
After tennis I went to give blood and the nurse managed to get a vein without leaving a big bruise :) Also, it only took me 20 minutes... that has to be a record!!
Then this afternoon I went into St Albans and met two of my boyfriends in the pub for a couple of hours. What could be nicer than sitting in the sunshine, drinking nice wine and chatting?
One of the most interesting experiences of my weekend was being a complete minority, that of a straight woman. I told very few people that I was straight, mainly because I didn't feel it was that important, and also I wondered how people would react because I was at a conference for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. However, the few people who did find out were totally unfazed by it, although I did get a bit of teasing which was quite funny. It taught me a lot about what it feels like to not be part of 'the norm'. It was a truly enlightening weekend, in so many ways.
The other unexpected pleasure of the weekend was seeing June Boyce-Tillman who was a lecturer at King Alfred's College (now the University of Winchester) when I was there over 10 years ago. She conducted the choir that I was part of and to be honest she always scared me a little bit. She is undeniably eccentric, progressive and wonderful and to meet her again was amazing. What I realise now is that when I was at college I was really too young to be dealing with some of the things that I was addressing. I don't regret going to college then, or studying that subject, but it is only now that I can see just how much I have moved on, both in who I am as a person but also in my thinking and understanding. Seeing June again reminded me of what a privileged grounding I had as an 18-year-old, and now I am reaping the rewards of that background. Before I left June gave me the most wonderful blessing and affirmation. She just reassured me that where I am, both physically and emotionally is a wonderful place and the place that God has called me to be.
I have had a very moving day. This morning we had a communion service which was just wonderful. It had none of the same magic tricks that bothered me so much about the service the other day, instead it was truly liberating, enlightening and wonderful.
We did a bit of harmony singing and then one of the clergy in the congregation blessed some water and in groups we gave each other blessings. The most humbling part for me came when we came to communion though. It was very simply done, with people just passing around and sharing the bread and wine, and yet as we started I began to weep, and I could not stop.
There was something about the whole experience, being joined together with other believers who come from different denominations, countries and yet as we gathered together around the bread and wine the similarities between us made more sense than the differences. The knowledge that some of the people there come from environments which make it very difficult for them to be honest about who they are made the whole experience even more profound for me. As I looked around I realised that it wasn't just me who was weeping. It seemed that not only were we joined together in a celebration, but also in our sadness, fears, hopes and dreams. It was a truly heavenly experience and one which I feel will continue to be real to me for some time.
Latest read was Fen by Freya North. Haven't got much time to blog about it at the minute, but I really like her stuff. Easy to read but intelligent chick lit.
Just a quick blog before I head to bed. Another fabulous day. I bunked this morning's sessions and went to the gym instead, but this afternoon we all got a coach into St Albans for a little bit of sightseeing and then we went to St Albans Cathedral for Evensong.
Next we got back onto the coach and went to Windsor where we got on a boat for a meal and disco. I have had just the most fun evening ever. So, here is the tale in pictures...
Peterson and Auntie Doris looking fairly sensible.....
It all starts to deteriorate on the coach...
And a small pointer for all those of you who read Mr Toscano's blog. When he says he doesn't dance (except for in one of his shows) he lies... like a cheap whore. Here is the evidence...
I do have photos of the end of the night, but they are just too embarrassing to show. I spent the evening dirty dancing with some very beautiful men, being flung about and having a lovely time. I believe there is photographic evidence, but there are no photos on my camera so as far as I am concerned they don't exist!
It would appear that my evenings spent at gay parties and in clubs were far from misspent. I seemed to know an awful lot of the tunes, and very sadly many of the words.
Peterson took us on a very interesting journey, exploring a variety of different characters in the bible who may have been transgender, or who sat outside of gender-normative behaviours. Amongst them we looked at Joseph and his princess dress, Deborah and her big sword, Queen Esther's eunuch and the part he played in her fulfilling her role in history and the man who was seen carrying water at the Passover.
It was undoubtedly a difficult audience. A mixture of lesbian women, gay men, transgender folk and a couple of straight people thrown in for good measure. Many people did not speak English as a first language and yet I sat and watched people processing what they were seeing and hearing. It seems to me that we are becoming used to hearing gay and lesbian stories told by people who have a variety of different experiences, both positive and negative. However, the stories of transgender people seem to be more invisible. What Peterson managed to do tonight was to bring some of these out, flesh out the people of the bible and provide them with a real and valid voice. Where history seeks to dull the colours of the picture, Transfigurations made everything more vivid for me.
Whilst I had heard snippets of this play, or precursors to it, the whole thing sent shivers up my spine. It is very different to Peterson's other works, the humour is more subtle although it is still there, but the pace of the story is totally different. It reminded me of the first time I heard him read out Low-Carb Jesus at a meeting. It made me stop in my tracks, made me think and it even made me weep.
This play was beautiful. Centered. Quiet. Honest. Thoughtful. Challenging. Hopeful.
If you get the chance to see it please do. You will undoubtedly leave a changed person.
Tonight we had a communion service to kick things off and it was one of the wierdest things I have ever been to. The blurb to introduce the service was The feel of Ascentiontide is a great carnival. Do enjoy yourself in this procession with streamers and hats and a general feel of carnival as we enter the chapel.
The premise was good.... let's celebrate as a group of diverse Christians from all different denominations, genders, sexualities and experiences. However, the way it worked out was really odd. For a start there were a few people dressed up a scary clowns and some of them were using flags (bleurgh... one of my big hates.)
Secondly there were too many words.... some really beautiful bits of rewritten liturgy which got lost because there was so much going on. I am really trying not to lose the bits of the event I liked... here is a bit that is taken from Jeffrey John's book “The Meaning in the Miracles”.
I loved this...
”Lord, do something about your Church,
It is so awful, it is hard not to feel ashamed of belonging to it.
Most of the time it seems to be all the things you condemned:
Hierarchical, conventional, moralising, compromising,
Clinging to its privileges and worldy securities,
And when not positively objectionable, merely absurd.
Lord we need your whip of cords.
Judge us and cleanse us,
Challenge us and change us,
Break us and remake us.
Help us to be what you called us to be.
Help us to embody you on earth.
Help us to make you real down here,
And to feed your people bread instead of stones.
And start with me.”
Gorgeous.
So, why did I get to the end of the meeting and feel as though we were playing with shadows? Instead of seeing the reality I was left with a mere reflection of the truth. Instead of being able to celebrate the incarnation of Jesus and the things he has already achieved for us and in us, why was I left feeling slightly dirty by the whole experience? The joy of celebration was replaced with a soulless dirge of 'Come Holy Spirit'. Something that was later pointed out by Peterson is a little bit odd to ask for as the Holy Spirit is something we have already been given.
God help me to remember that the diversity I see around me is all of you. That the expression of worship is fulfilled in this beautiful completeness, and not ruined by the differences.
Auntie Knows Best 
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