As I've been doing the shredding I've noticed a few things that I don't want to over analyse but I'm just putting down for whatever they are worth. There's some rather weird, vaguely paradoxical, things going on that I don't want to look at too hard in case I scare myself or tie myself up in knots trying to understand them!

1) I felt glad to get rid of all that old writing. There seems almost a kind of joy at ditching it, but paradoxically, I don't feel that I'm ditching parts of me. The feelings and experiences I wrote about then are still part of me, but there's at least the beginnings of it being in a different way somehow. It's not that it isn't/wasn't important - but I don't feel the need to keep that particular snapshot of where I was then.

2) There seemed to be an awful lot of "angst" that I didn't particularly want to focus on. (I read bits of what I wrote, but mostly really didn't want to)

3) Even though I still feel some of the things now that I felt then, it's also different - it's weird - kind of different and the same and yet different at the same time.

4) My relationships seem more stable now than they did then

I think I feel more whole ( though not necessarily very whole) than I did then.

Thank you for those who have been praying for me. It is appreciated. I'm still in the middle of working through all sorts of emotional stuff. It's not at all easy and is also very tiring but I think it really will be worth it in the long run! I'm also tired because I have ideally more tutoring than I would like but I took an extra student on because I know that in June I will stop working with another student ( she'll have taken her exams) so it seemed wise to take on a new one when asked, so that I'm not under the amount of hours I need later on! I guess I have to accept that I can't just expect the next student to appear (so to speak) the very week I finish with a previous one. There is bound at times to be some overlap! I am enjoying the tutoring still, and really happy with one of my students in particular who is making significant and exciting progress despite his special needs, it's just that it is a bit relentless! Basically I'm pretty tired all round and also struggling to get all the housework done that I would like.

In other news I think I may have been poisoning myself ( a bit at least). Last week I kept getting the taste of "weed \& feed" in my mouth on and off, despite only having used it on Monday. I finally decided (by Saturday) that it was problaby reoccuring each time I used my car and was likely to be the new bag of weed and feed I bought last Tuesday that was still in the boot! The bag itself wasn't split but I think it was next to a bag that had, so maybe was covered ina lot of weed and feed dust. So I have now a) wiped down the steering wheel and geat stick and handbrake in the car, b) removed the offending bag of weed and feed and spread it on the lawn (wearing a face mask, which must have looked a bit OTT but was better than breathing in more dust), c) left my car doors and boot open for an hour or so to hopefully blow out any stray dust! If all else fails I may have to actually vacuum inside the car! Not such an easy task when you a) live in a flat and b) have a boot permanently full of gardening equipment! So does anyone know the antidote to "weed and feed" ingestion? I wonder what I would find out if I googled for it!

In the meantime any prayers would be welcomed!

Anyhow, for your delectation and delight, I wrote another poem today. For once I decided to experiment with regular rhythm and rhyme! I think it's only a first draft and may get changed later, but for the moment anyway - here it is!

Did Jacob?

The daffodils have flowered once again.
Those hopeful heralds of another spring,
So heedless of the coming wind and rain,
Oblivious to future suffering.

The daffodils have blossomed once again,
To show in root, shoot, bud and dancing flower
The poignant little child who dared to hope;
The tender green before the day turns sour.

Now cradled in the warmth of my cocoon
I seek the safety of my shell within.
Curled up within the darkness of the corm
but hoping, aching, crying, withering.

I hear your voice, your love is calling; yet
I find myself still wrestling with you.
Did Jacob, as he limped towards the sun
See daffodils too?

or possibly this!

Waht do you reckon?

Though come to think of it I have sometimes stayed awake reading.

Something I learned last week is that ...[fanfare]...

housework takes time!

Yes folks -that's my piece of profound thought for the month!

It's interesting - I began to realise that while I sometime struggle to keep my flat as clean and tidy as I would like ( It's not a pigsty honestly - just not as good as I would like often!), underneath I've been getting angry with myself for the vacuuming or washing up not having been done or whatever, without actually having given myself time to do it in! Often I'm getting frustrated for not having done x when I spent the time doing y, but if I had done y, I would have been frustrated for not having done x!

So one of the things I've been trying to do is be more accepting and realistic of what I can do and the time it takes and to stop believing deep down that I should have completed 7 different tasks in the time it takes to do one of them!

Hmm - maybe that's something I should consciously adopt as an attitude for Lent - or do you think it's too self-centred?

The immediate result of this realisation was that I "made time" to take my car to the car wash - something that was badly needed and that I was getting annoyed with myself for not doing, but hadn't actually allocated time for! Road safely in Greater Manchester must have improved at night, now that the light from my headlights can actually be seen rather than being blacked out with grime!

My Personality

Neuroticism	95
Extraversion	10
Openness To Experience	46
Agreeableness	47
Conscientiousness	46

Actually - I don't think this is really quite like me! An overemphasis on negative aspects and not enough emphasis on positives! So I took the test again!

My Personality

Neuroticism	82
Extraversion	18
Openness To Experience	63
Agreeableness	47
Conscientiousness	65

Only 2 quetions remain - Do I have a split personality and did I answer the question about wasting my time honestly!!!

I thought this:

"Often you find the real world is too plain and ordinary for your liking, and you use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world for yourself. You love beauty, both in art and in nature. Sometimes you become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. You have good access to and awareness of your own feelings. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. You enjoy a certain amount of debate or intellectual thought, but sometimes get bored with too much. You like the security of tradition, but sometimes have a desire to bend the rules and challenge conventional thinking." and

this "You believe that you have the intelligence, common sense, drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. In general you tend to be disorganized and scattered. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work. You have a reasonable amount of will-power and are able to follow through on tasks that you feel you need to complete. You can be distracted however and have been known to procrastinate. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives."

the most interesting bits I think!