Arti's accounts

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Arti's accounts

The admissions and adventures of a bemused artisan

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Something I did today!	(arti, 7/05/2008 11:30 pm)
Today I did something that feels quite significant. When I worked with a previous counsellor I did quite a lot of work on paper in between sessions - lots of "inner child" type dialogue and drawings/paintings - hundreds of pages worth it must have been altogether! It's all been sitting in a plastic crate under my bed for ages. It's been really important as it records some of my first attempts to love different bits of myself and I've had a very warm and tender feeling about the whole process. Well- I've been trying to get round to resorting space so that things can be tidier and it occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that I probably didn't need to keep most of this work anymore. So today I have been shredding nearly all of it ( I kept a few pictures I really liked). I was only going to start on the shredding , but then I thought that as the bin men were coming tomorrow it would be good if I could get rid of it all at once rather than have bags of shredded paper sitting around the flat. As I've been doing the shredding I've noticed a few things that I don't want to over analyse but I'm just putting down for whatever they are worth. There's some rather weird, vaguely paradoxical, things going on that I don't want to look at too hard in case I scare myself or tie myself up in knots trying to understand them! 1) I felt glad to get rid of all that old writing. There seems almost a kind of joy at ditching it, but paradoxically, I don't feel that I'm ditching parts of me. The feelings and experiences I wrote about then are still part of me, but there's at least the beginnings of it being in a different way somehow. It's not that it isn't/wasn't important - but I don't feel the need to keep that particular snapshot of where I was then. 2) There seemed to be an awful lot of "angst" that I didn't particularly want to focus on. (I read bits of what I wrote, but mostly really didn't want to) 3) Even though I still feel some of the things now that I felt then, it's also different - it's weird - kind of different and the same and yet different at the same time. 4) My relationships seem more stable now than they did then I think I feel more whole ( though not necessarily very whole) than I did then.
2 Permalink \| 7/05/2008 11:30 pm

Wouldn't you just know it?	(arti, 21/04/2008 5:39 pm)
Just because I spent quite a while last Monday putting 28kg of "weed & feed" on some of the church lawns, you could have guessed really couldn't you that it was bound not to really rain very much all week despite the forcast saying that it would. So today I have spent the best part of 3 hours watering it all in before any more of the grass gets scorched, plus watering in the new 14kg I put down today (just to be on the safe side)! You can guarantee now that it will rain pretty much all day tomorrow! Thank you for those who have been praying for me. It is appreciated. I'm still in the middle of working through all sorts of emotional stuff. It's not at all easy and is also very tiring but I think it really will be worth it in the long run! I'm also tired because I have ideally more tutoring than I would like but I took an extra student on because I know that in June I will stop working with another student ( she'll have taken her exams) so it seemed wise to take on a new one when asked, so that I'm not under the amount of hours I need later on! I guess I have to accept that I can't just expect the next student to appear (so to speak) the very week I finish with a previous one. There is bound at times to be some overlap! I am enjoying the tutoring still, and really happy with one of my students in particular who is making significant and exciting progress despite his special needs, it's just that it is a bit relentless! Basically I'm pretty tired all round and also struggling to get all the housework done that I would like. In other news I think I may have been poisoning myself ( a bit at least). Last week I kept getting the taste of "weed & feed" in my mouth on and off, despite only having used it on Monday. I finally decided (by Saturday) that it was problaby reoccuring each time I used my car and was likely to be the new bag of weed and feed I bought last Tuesday that was still in the boot! The bag itself wasn't split but I think it was next to a bag that had, so maybe was covered ina lot of weed and feed dust. So I have now a) wiped down the steering wheel and geat stick and handbrake in the car, b) removed the offending bag of weed and feed and spread it on the lawn (wearing a face mask, which must have looked a bit OTT but was better than breathing in more dust), c) left my car doors and boot open for an hour or so to hopefully blow out any stray dust! If all else fails I may have to actually vacuum inside the car! Not such an easy task when you a) live in a flat and b) have a boot permanently full of gardening equipment! So does anyone know the antidote to "weed and feed" ingestion? I wonder what I would find out if I googled for it!
1 Permalink \| 21/04/2008 5:39 pm

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