As you may or may not have noticed, I haven't been blogging for a while. This is partly due to lack of time/energy and partly lack of constructive things to say.
Hmm. I hadn't quite realised how long it's been until now.
Ok, so first a me update.
Worky stuff is moving, although not at the rate of the deadlines.
No definite plans for after June, but almost applied for PGCE. Would have done it by now had I not forgotton my password for the gttr website which is written in my diary at home. Grr.
I still don't know where K will be.
That's about all I can say at the moment actually.
Hmm...it seems that K's intelligence is not rubbing off on me...on the contrary, my brain has ceased to function in a normal manner and at a normal speed...Jo tells me this is called love...I call it a pain in the arse because I need to catch up on all the work I have totally failed to do since 14th October...
Part of me is concerned by lack of acheivement thus far, the other part is saying 'who cares! Better things happening!'. Hmm...
Manic couple of weeks ahead leading up til Christmas. It seems that I am at uni choir or Church very nearly every day, not that I'm complaining, those of you who know me know that I'd spend all day every day singing or in Church or both given the chance! Need tp buy things like CHristmas cards and toothpaste and a shawl for the ball at some point though. So I am going to stop typing and go and do some work!
I'm not being rude by not answering peoples questions, I haven't been online for a few days. No, he didn't get it, hence I don't know where to apply! No other news really...
Yesterday I was asked by one of my coursemates how things were going with K, to which I answered very well thank you. The follow-up question was not only unexpected, but totally bizarre: How religious is he? Firstly, what did they mean by "religious"? How many services does he attend each week? How often does he read the Bible? Secondly, how does one measure religiosity? And how religious is he in relation to what? Compared to a toadstool? On a scale of one to ten? On the Richter scale perhaps? Does religiosity have its own special unit? Got me thinking...
Currently awaiting news of possible relocation with baited breath...
Someone who usually really annoys me and has nothing of any use to say was online earlier. I was about to block him, being in a foul mood, when he started talking to me, then I didn't have the heart to. He talked some sense into me and made me realise a few things. Funny thing is, he will never realise how much impact that conversation had on me.
Catholic Richard just read me my horoscope. It told my what I already knew. That everything looks uncertain and the beginning of this week is a turning point. K has a job interview today and tomorrow...
I'm so scared about all this (not the horoscope bit, just the rest of it!) that I am physically shaking and will probably continue to do so until he comes back home with news. I hope for him that he gets it, because it's what he wants and it would make him happy, but it means being apart for 6 months until I can move there too and I know he'll be really busy and I'm not sure we can keep the relationship going long distance for that reason. I know at least one of you reading this is going to post a comment saying put it in His hands, and if it's meant to happen it will, and I know this, but it isn't making it any easier yet!
...is love and friendship. And not the sort of backstabby 'friendship' we all too often encounter. That is the end of it and all i am going to say on the matter.
Saw a fab film last night. Tremors. About these rather phallic monster type things which go round underground and enjoy eating people. Partly because I was busy laughing at the crapness and partly because I was distracted by the gorgeous company I had. I honestly think i am the luckiest person on the planet right now.
There is now a toilet roll wall in my house. Jenny and Lewis went to Makro and bought £20 of bog roll so we don't run out again before Christmas! If only! I think someone is eating it. K thinks one of our other frequent visitors to the house was planning a wankfest...
Why is it that one thing can have a huge effect on other seemingly unrelated parts of your life? Move one brick and the whole sodding tower falls down...
I did something very silly the other day, that i thought would never happen again. There is no point in blaming circumstances - it simply shouldn't have happened. If any of you know what i'm on about, tell me to pull myself together and get on with it. Please. I don't want this to jeopardise the wonderful things I have at the moment.
Yesterday's saga continues... It now seems the person who I thought had made things up did make things up, but someone else made it a lot worse. A friend, who will remain anonymous, said to me last night that it's definitely time to cut all ties. I hope she's right at that is the end of it. Sad, but may be the only way of moving forward. The question is, can I do that without them? I wouldn't be here without them.
Hmm. 40 minutes before my lecture. Coffee and caramel shortcake time I think, to compensate my brain for major lack of sleep. I shall go and think about how wonderful he (K) is and how lucky i really am. And i promise my next blog will not be doom and gloom!
Someone's cocked things up for me once again! This time someone (who is not the same someone as before!) has bollocksed up my friendships with the same people as before. I have been misquoted, if i can use that phrase to mean someone is making up things I would never have said. Is now the time to cut ties which mean so much to me? They've won already, nobody is going to take me back the second time.
That's the question. Do I want to do a masters/PGCE/speech therapy course? Deadlines at beginning of December. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to be wherever he is! I know it sounds crazy as we've only been together a month, but I know I don't want to be anywhere else. The only problem is that we don't know where he will be!
Another very busy week coming up...
'...no, i know, but it's pretty!' That is how the dissertation "supervision sesh" went! I need to focus apparently. He also said i should tell certain lecturers I'm not going to do the work they set because there are other things which haven't been set that I feel are more important...a lecturer telling me not to do work?!
My neck is very poorly! It went crunch for no reason the other day and the doctor says I have torn something and it's gone into spasm. It hurts lots, but I can move it a bit now. May have to have physio! Very odd.
Finally found out what life is all about - standing under the stars in the middle of nowhere with someone you love... sickening but true...
I love the weather at the moment. I think the official term for it may be "crisp" but I think the only way to describe it really is "bloody cold but lovely and sunny"! I know it sounds wierd but it makes the air taste nice! It even makes walking into uni very early to use the library because you were too busy looking at stars to do your work and you're really tired because you didn't sleep at all seem like a positive experience! [Note to self: must do some serious work]
On another positive note (must stop this cheery stuff, I don't know what's wrong with me!) I definitely have a dissertation supervisor and it's definitely the one I wanted it to be! Wooooooo!
A new game emerged in a friend's car yesterday. it's actually quite a good grammar excercise as it makes you think about parts of speech. But it is also very silly. Basically, you replace every verb with one verb which you have to keep in the same tense as the original. And you can use any verb at all, for example "to fish", "to eat" or "to wank". Hours of fun!
No title today, because my brain is simply not functioning. Well, it is, in that I turned up to my lectures, made some comprehensible notes, etc, etc. I just can't feel anything. And I can't understand it because this usually happens if I'm unhappy and my brain switches off because it can't cope. But I am sooooooo happy. Hmm.
Watched a film with K last night. Pleasantville. Very good film in my opinion. And what's more, I'm sure I can drag references to the film into a lot of my literature/culture essays this year...social change and all that. Yay. And usefulness of film in degree aside, I had red wine, strawberries and cream ice cream and a very very lovely time.
Lecturer mentioned on October 11th emailed me today. It turns out that my other lecturer who i whinged at the other day spoke to her about me and told her I was wonderful and she is now concerned and being much more cooperative...result!
Question of the day: Why do I feel much more tired when I have actually slept than if I haven't?
...seems to be a common thing in a church environment. And I think the time has come to stop being cryptic and share a little of what has been going on with regard to my love life...although not too much sharing, because (according to a very good friend without whom all this would not have happened, or at least not in the time frame in which it has happened/is happening) you can have too much information...
Anyway. There is a very very lovely manfriend on the scene (manfriend as opposed to boyfriend because housemate Liz thinks he's old!) and I am very very happy. Happier in fact than I have ever been. It is so rare in life that you click with somebody, so rare that I have have never truly experienced it before.
And I am trying very very hard not to think tooooo much about the future and to take each day as it comes. But I suspect he will not try to change me to fit a specification, not manipulate me, not belittle me in front of friends, etc. etc. as so many have tried to do because he is a true gentleman.
All sounds too good to be true? I know, i feel the same...
Manky drizzle greets me as i step outside. The sort that is invisible through the window. What a nice surprise.
I did something i needed to do yesterday. It was very emotionally draining and I needed to wander for a long time in the dark afterwards to gather my thoughts on the whole thing. "It's so easy to pass the blame." How true. I can now rise above that and forgive, if not forget. I just hope and pray that she can do the same one day.
And thanks to Alice for being there for me :)
And yes, for eveyone who keeps asking me about next year, the future is looking uncertain. But I know whatever happens will be the right thing. I would love to keep things as they are at the moment. I've never been so sure of anything in my life, as I am about what i want to happen, but I have learnt from past experiences that I am not in control of absolutely everything...
The parents have been and gone, now it's gran, auntie and two cousins! Had a sleepover with cousin Chloe last night which was lots of fun! What it is to be twelve!
Meet the parents (both ways!) went well. Mummy and Daddy P (as I shall refer to them online) were far less terrifying than expected and really quite lovely. My parents probably scared the living daylights out of K (as I shall refer to the gentleman in question!) but of course he is too gentlemanly and polite to say so.
I generally speak my mind, therefore it is quite terrifying when someone else speaks my mind!
And now I am even more sure about something I have always believed: that nobody ever knows the answer or understands a situation or feeling unless they have themselves been there and experienced it.
Wow
I told her he was rubbish but would she listen?! Mum has used the same dentist for years. He wrecked the enamel on my teeth when I had my brace removed and now I have found a massive hole in my tooth. My last check-up was only in August! Time to enrol with university dental practice I think...
Sometimes things are horrible but necessary. And no, you can't make nasty things nice, but i tried so hard to make it as nice as possible and still it isn't good enough. Blame is such a useful thing. We can use it to justify ourselves, in many cases to wrongly justify behaviour patterns. This is dangerous because we then never learn and never grow. Staying stuck instead of moving forward.
Sometimes things are as near to perfect as anything can ever get. There are always going to be problems (in this case logistical ones!) but there are ways round if both parties are flexible and willing to consider the other's feelings and hopes for the future. I just hope I'm right...
Had good lectures yesterday. Technical translation is so much fun and I have a fab lecturer called Brigid who can make the dullest book on earth sound good! Wish they were all like that...
'Watched' Love Actually last night. There's a quote in there somewhere (I think it's the boy who looks about 6 who says it) which feels particularly relevant this morning. it goes something like: "Worse than the total agony of being in love?" And thank you Malcolm for not asking, but by pointing out that you aren't asking i take that as an indirect question! And yes, there is something very exciting and lovely happening, which i daresay will creep into blog entries in a subtle and unobtrusive way at some point..."subtle and unobtrusive?!" I hear you cry! "Since when were you able to be those things?!" Well, there is a first time for everything and I intend to keep you in suspense. Have a nice time wondering!
I caught man flu off Aidan last week and it turned into a chest infection. Grr. But then something very VERY lovely happened on Saturday. Something I have been hoping would happen for a long time, but never believed would (particularly while I looked and felt like death warmed up!). And it was every bit as good as I'd hoped and I hope it will continue to be! We shall see...
Watched the Sound of Music last night, not for the first time! But someone else who watched it with me had never seen it before (hence the forced viewing!! Your life is never going to be complete unless you've seen the Sound of Music...)I think i have finally found somebody else (and a man at that!) who does not think the film is the biggest load of crap ever! I win!
Raindrops aren't on roses though. They are in the basement of the library and in the lift shaft thanks to the storms last night. Floody.
No more news on the degree, other than one of my lecturers has got it into her head that i am totally stupid and takes every opportunity to patronise and publicly humiliate me. Could be a fun year, as she teaches two unavoidable modules...
On a brighter note, i am going for curry tonight, which is always good. And to make it even better, it's with people from church.
Just a question on the topic of demon posession. Can demons jump out of people and into others? And no, there really is no relevance in my life to this question, as i have never met anyone who has been posessed, i just wondered.
I didn't sleep again. Partly because I was thinking things over and partly cos I was too busy watching the pretty lightning! There is still a lot to think over, but increasingly less. I have more of an idea of where i stand in certain situations for a start! Hopefully by this time next week...
Well, I have a dissertation topic, although not a specific title as yet. I am currently 'researching' by writing this in my blog...
The idea is the use of music as propaganda for the Reformation in Germany.
Swish or what?!
If anyone knows any experts in the field, i have two but any extras would be gratefully received!
My head is still otherwise full of messy stuff, although it is getting there. The usual vicious circle has come into force once again: I don't sleep because I can't stop thinking, but I can't think properly or usefully because i'm so damn tired! The benefit of this is that I can have text conversations with my dad at 4am because he is just as bad!
The waffle at the end of last blog is still a problem, but less so than it was thanks to a very good friend, who perhaps doesn't realise what a difference she has made by something she did on Sunday. But maybe she will see the fruits of her labour in the near future. I hope so...
Anyway, enough for that. Hopefully more info (progress report?!) tomorrow, when i really will be researching my dissertation!
...as we were singing on Sunday when the heavens opened...it wasn't soft or refreshing though, it sounded like the roof was coming in!
Wouldn't go as far as to say uni work is going well, but, well, it's going. Have ideas about the dissertation (something to do with music or the church in Germany - early church music therefore looking promising!), done a couple of translations last night, and the reading will happen eventually.
Just to clarify something I said in my last entry which has been misconstrewed, the person who spoke to me was not someone I fancy (that's another story altogether, which I can't recount at the moment!) but someone who i thought thought she was by far my superior.
My brain is still a big tangle of stuff, which is all completely unrelated but somehow stuck together. There are two things which i really need to do and I think then that the rest of it will fall into place. It's just that it's really not the right time to do one thing and I can't do the other thing until I've done the first thing. Sorry, this probably sounds really cryptic and wierd, but i can't say anything at the moment but need to let it out as much as I can or I'll go mad. Some of you may know what i'm waffling on about; if you do, please don't say anything to anyone. Aaaaaargh!
The world of the goblins... 
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