Insure against unwanted religious visitors
With the Acme security and Protection Agency (in association with the Wibsite)
The Acme Security and Protection Agency would like to make a special one-time offer at reduced price for a limited time only. All homeowners and renters in the metropolitan area can benefit from our services if the following applies to you:
Have you ever, while in the shower, while enjoying your favorite television serial, or on the telephone answering questions for a marketing survey, been annoyingly interrupted by the doorbell? And have you ever rushed to answer the door as rapidly as possible lest the caller think that no one is at home and leave prematurely? And, in the mad dash perhaps barked your shin, or worse, knocked over a precious porcelain vase which shattered irrevocably on the hardwood floor?
And have you then had the bitter disappointment of finding the caller is a door-to-door evangelist or recruiter for one of dozens of sects, organized ecclesiastical bodies, conventicles, tabernacles, or assemblies, sometimes offering special inducements, such as free bibles or tastefully bound and illustrated religious pamphlets?
If the answer is yes then the Acme Security and Protection Agency can help you.
If the peace and restful harmony of your home is interrupted more than 6 or 7 times a day by the sounds of bible thumping, loud scripture-reading, and or threats of eternal damnation coming from your front walk or the pavement outside your home, then you can benefit from Acme’s guaranteed services. Subscribers to our services can expect that Acme’s trained and licensed personnel will handle this situation efficiently and effectively.
Immediately on receipt of the modest (and now discounted for limited time only) annual fee, you will be asked to provide a list of the three most troublesome organizations which disturb the peace and tranquillity of your home by gratuitous doorbell ringing. (A slight charge is made for each additional organization to be added to the list.) Acme will then notify each offending organization that your doorbell is off limits to them until further notice (i.e., as long as you are a paid-up subscriber or as soon as we receive payment of renewal fee.)
Clients will then receive a long-lasting, weather-resistant metal sign to be set into the lawn or to be affixed in the vicinity of the doorbell advising callers that all religious solicitors, whether mainstream and orthodox, or dissident, non-conformist, schismatic, unaffiliated or heretical, are prohibited from ringing or knocking at this address. Penalties will apply.
On first violation, the offending group will receive a stiffly worded notice from Acme advising that our client will not tolerate their behavior and that penalties will apply if they continue to offend. Our clients need only advise us of each offense and then may rest assured that we will take care of the situation. Subscribers may experience a certain natural squeamishness about it, but penalties must be imposed to make it clear that we mean business.
Penalties are as follows:
First offense: they will be required to perform community service assisting in administrative or other duties serving their local Atheist, Agnostic, Free Thinkers, or Unitarian society. Duties may include 8 hours of clerical work, answering telephones, distributing pamphlets at public meetings, sweeping, dusting, and/or washing up.
Second offense: a two-day stay at any neo-pagan festival of Acme’s choice with requirement to dress appropriately (i.e., Grecian togs).
For repeat offenders and recidivists the penalty is a stay at Burning Man with full participation in all activities. (Entry fees, transportation, and beverages their responsibility.)
Be assured that our highly trained professional staff is well equipped to implement all penalties. They are usually recruited from the military or from other organizations (where they are sometimes known as enforcers). In our organization they are known as facilitators and gently but firmly and diplomatically convince offenders to cooperate. There is never any financial penalty or seizure of property, as we operate within the law at all times.
It is the client’s responsibility to advise any person or group representing any devotional or charitable organization that they do not wish to ban, such as their pastor or representatives of the Ladies Friendly Sodality, (and, of course, any relatives and friends who may be nuns or clergy), that they are exempt from the ban and penalties. This is in the event that they are frightened off on seeing the sign.
We must emphasize, however, that despite the best efforts of our operatives, prompt cooperation from any group does not imply that there will be no recidivism. To the contrary, such is the stubborn and contrary nature of some individuals, that even after receiving the penalty for the second offense, and in particular that for the third offense, these same offenders continue to show up on our books. The answer is constant vigilance and your prompt response to our renewal notices.
Acme means business. Our service is guaranteed. Call today for a free estimate before your lawful pursuits and the serenity, peace and quiet of your home are once more rudely interrupted by unwanted, intrusive proselytism. Remember, whether Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Shintoist, Taoist, Maoist, Knight of Columbus, or Santerista, if they ring your doorbell you will be covered under the contract you sign with our firm.
Do not delay. Call today!
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