The girl who balanced a
number (quite a great one)
of 'coffee compliments' on her head
A true* story by our top feature writers, "the purveyors of new jam". Executive producer (and partially to blame): dave
Our story begins a long time ago, when a girl, we shall call her "Kate", sat staring out of the science lab window. It was there again (no not that strange smell), that empty feeling; like Mr Smith without his yoda stamp, Kate’s life was incomplete. There was more to be had, there just had to be more adventure out there, somewhere.
Kate sighed as the bell rang. How would she ever fill this emptiness? Wandering out into the sunshine, Kate felt so confused. Maybe she just needed some time to take her mind off things, a billboard for the circus seemed to provide the perfect answer;
“Why, watching a bunch of fellows behaving like idiots would surely get rid of these annoying thoughts…although I do get to see that at school for free…I’m sure it’ll be great.”
As Kate sat in her 3rd row seat, watching the balancing act, she felt something stir inside her- she knew she shouldn’t have eaten that dodgy looking hot dog- no, wait…this was emotion! Kate jumped up and shouted, “I must be a balancing act!” Then quickly sat down again, as she realised the whole audience was watching her. But it didn’t matter, she had found the missing piece.
The next day Kate was up at dawn, she just had to begin right away. She decided it would be best to stick with the talent she already had, lying on the floor, but what to balance? It was a tough decision. As Kate lay, staring ceiling-wards, pondering that very thing, something on the mantelpiece caught her eye- a cactus! Why, it was the very thing: small, with a hint of danger. Kate quickly gathered up all the cactuses she could find and started to practise, but, sadly, all was not well. After five visits to casualty and a minor operation, Kate decided enough was enough, she would have to use something else, but what?
As the weeks went by, Kate began to give up hope, “ Woe is me, if I haven’t got anything to balance I just can’t be a balancing act- what will I do with myself?”
One bleak day, when it seemed things couldn’t get any worse, they did. Whilst queuing in the canteen, a group of year sevens decided it would be amusing to start a campaign that consisted of throwing ‘coffee compliments’ at Kate. At first she ignored them, then became slightly annoyed, then accepted her lot. If she couldn’t be a balancing act what did it matter that she kept getting a low fat cream substitute all over her jumper? Finally, it hit her, literally…she could balance coffee compliments on her head!
From that day forward, Kate lived every day to the full, practising her balancing act and sharing her life changing experience with many others, spreading her own personal joy. She became a better person, the sort of person that would not mind in the least if one of her friends and her church youth worker should decide to display an embarrassing photo of her, and a very lame story about her, on the internet.
Look upon and share her magical experiences, dear reader, by taking a peek at a photo of Kate doing what, undoubtedly, she does best: lying on the floor with several coffee compliments on her head.
* in a fairly limited made up sort of a way
To express an opinion or outrage at this story go to the bulletin board.